STUFF NOBODY TELLS YOU.

As a filler for the time, I have decided to talk about some of those things that nobody talks about.  I'm not talking about farting on the train on your way to work - but sure, gas can be shitty.  Really.  I'm talking about those things that happen while you are pregnant or afterwards that are mentioned in books but not to the satisfaction of people like me.  I don't need a four words blurb.  I need details.  I want to know how much, how long, why, when, what does it look like, what does it feel like?!?$!?$  Use some fucking adjectives, people?!#?!%%(#

So, here are some of my favorites that I experienced either during or after pregnancy that weren't adequately addressed in the books. . . .

1.  When you are pregnant, you will often stop the regular shedding of hair.  You know what I mean.  All of that hair in your brush or comb isn't there because you yanked it out.  Your hair naturally sheds between 100 and 200 hairs per day.  Once pregnant, I found that I was no longer clogging the drain with my luxuriously Rapunzle-esqe locks.  But, that didn't last.  About two months after our daughter was born, the evacuation of follicle-town began.  I felt like I was losing large clumps at a time.  But, in reality, I was just losing all of the ones I had retained.  Because when your body is working hard to grow a baby, it doesn't need the added work of growing a few hundred new hairs.  Seriously.

2.  Post-Partum bleeding ain't no joke.  I have never been so thankful for mesh panties (procured from the hospital) and giant post-partum pads.  Seriously.  I have never been so secure feeling over nights than wearing the equivalent of a twin mattress stuffed against my crotch and held there by white fishnet hot pants.  Mine lasted about four weeks.  Our daughter was very early but it still felt like I made up for all of the "missed periods"  Lochia, which is the blood that is draining out, isn't like menstrual blood.  It's what I have affectionately nick-named, "death blood"  It does not smell like period.  It also seems to "decompose" faster than period.  Change frequently, ya'll.  Mine started BLOODY RED and morphed over time to a rust and then finally to light brown spotting color.  Then, one day, it was finished.

3.  Gestational Carpal Tunnel will wane.  But it takes time.  Mine took two months (post partum) to resolve itself.  And by resolve, I mean stop hurting when I put pressure on my wrist and bent my hand forward or back.  Yeah.  It goes away.

4.  Two days into post-partum-ness, I began running a low-grade fever.  I didn't have to ask.  My boobs looked like they had been overinflated and no one bothered to do the skin stretches after a boob-job.  Don't know what I mean?  I'm not going to show you.  Go Google "Bad Boob Job"  You will figure it out.  My milk came in.  Like a tsunami.  And it was awful.  Psychologically, I was sad because I had two enormous containers of food and no one to eat it.  Physically, I was in more pain than my then recent memory could recall.  I toughed it out with some REALLY FUCKING TIGHT sports bras.  My amazing Hub even ran out and bought a head of cabbage, but I just couldn't bring myself to make coleslaw in my bra cups.  I hear it helps, though.  The major pain went away after three days.  But, I can't tell you how many times after that for WEEKS that I would randomly dribble.  It's sexy.


. . . I will post more as time passes.  You can count on me to talk about the shit nobody else wants to talk about.