NERP. NERP. NERP.

It's Monday.  I'm 26 weeks pregnant and I think it is a good time to talk about Nipples during Pregnancy.  (I can't wait to see how many people find this blog due to that last statement.)

During pregnancy, a woman's breasticles experience some big changes.  Also, some BIG CHANGES.

In the beginning (No, I'm not going to reference the blog post), there is pain.  No, not a sharp, stinging, fleeting pain, but a dull, aching, never-ending bastard of a pain.  Jacks?  Remember that post now?  It felt like my fun-bags were filled with Jacks.  

Then, the Nipples get tender.  I'm talking chaffed tender.  Raw tender.  OMG!  They are so red tender!!

Eventually, you find yourself waking in the middle of the night - thankful that you have just clipped your fingernails down to the nubbins, because you are scratching at your Nipples in a subconscious effort to tear them off.  Yes.  It's *that* bad.

Now, 26 weeks in, I can tell you that my normally pale pink precipices have darkened and enlarged.  One article suggested that they darken so that your primarily blind infant will be able to see them.  I'm pretty sure any infant that I have ever seen in the throes of hunger is usually crying and not actively looking for a booby-bulls-eye.

You ever look at those "natural" bottle toppers at the store and laugh thinking how they are nothing near "natural"?  Yeah.  They are.  Totally not kidding.  Totally real.  Giant cylindrical block of a nipple perched on top of a puffy half circle of areola stamped into an enormous breasticle.  Sound appealing?

Luckily, the only discomfort as of late is a feeling that I'm experiencing a "let down" - those of you who have lactated before will know exactly what I'm talking about.  Essentially, when your child cries, your body responds by "letting down" your milk.  Sounds romantic and natural, right?  Wrong.  When the let down comes, it feels like a skinhead has just kicked the inside of your chest with his BIG RED BOOTS.  

When you have already had a child, it is more likely that you will experience lactation prior to giving birth.  My boobalyns are telling me that I will be so lucky.

So, for now, I continue to smear stretchmark lotion all over myself and keep adding fun stuff like "breast pads" to my "need before the baby comes" list.