It's getting harder and harder to maintain my dental health. Every night, after I finish my shower (because I don't like sleeping in the day's filth!) I put on my robe and I begin my final decent to sleepyville.
In addition to applying astringent to ward off the slick from the ever growing oil field on my nose, I frost my ADA selected toothbrush with some cavity and plaque reducing paste and GET READY FOR THE RIDE!
As opposed to the my usual 2 1/2 minutes of brushing, I can only make it a minute to a minute and a half before I feel like I'm about to suffocate. If I'm lucky, I'll be standing directly over the sink when I make the sound. . .
It's like a guttural noise that comes from the diaphragm. It forces all of the air out of my lungs at a warp speed and flexes every abdominal muscle I have. I have yet to figure out if the muscles clench because they are necessary to force out the sound. . or if they are in action because they are trying to prevent me from expelling all of my hard-eaten sustenance for the day. Either way. . . I usually manage to spit the excess toothpaste foam from my mouth before . . . "Wuuuuuughhhhh!"
Typically, there is no actual harvest to my heave. . . just *that* sound. It's unmistakable. If you hear it, you know what is going on. This isn't a constipated pooper noise, folks. It's the "holy shit fuck ass puke" sound. Really.
Usually, it is followed by a good 2 minutes of panting as I try to catch my breath and assess the probability of actual horking.
Don't get me wrong - It isn't just during tooth brushing. I was sitting in a meeting with give guys at work. At the corporate headquarters. Some one's cologne was just a little too musky and I was forced to turn my head and "Wuuuuuuuughhhh!" No one looked directly at me, but the guy next to me reached over and grandma patted my hand and said "It will get better soon"
*blink*
At some point, I will have to either man-up and brush my teeth after the sound OR I'll just adjust to having bleeding gums and gnarly breath. You know me. The latter isn't going to happen.
3 comments:
I knew this sound well, I brushed quick and carried mints, which may help settle you stomach anyway.
try one or all of the following: baking soda, kids toothpaste, cinnamon flavored toothpaste and see if that makes a difference.
I heard some amazing advice. . . brush your teeth while in the shower. That way, if a little extra chunkage makes its way towards the light, you're already in an instant clean-up situation! =)
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