CANT STOP THE TRAIN. . . LET'S DITCH THE STITCH.

This morning, the Hub and I went to the OB.  We made a pit stop in with the Ultrasound folks to take some baby measurements.  Then, we went to get the cerclage removed.

As of today, our child is measuring enormously.  It is likely that we have a 9lb baby. . . Or that the estimate is a pound over.  I'm hoping for the latter.

So, let's talk cerclage removal. . .

With a McDonald cerclage, you are sedated when it is put in but it can typically be taken out in the doctor's office.  But, it isn't always easy.

My OB had trouble finding the stitch for removal.  Therefore, it was a bit pressurized as he was moving the speculum all over the place. . .  (Are you sure you can't see my left lung?)

About 10 minutes later, it was removed and proved to be a bigger thing than I imagined.  I wish I would have gotten a picture, but the discomfort was enough that I told the OB that I hated him. . . (But, I did not kick him in the face;  so, that is a "win")

30 seconds later, I asked him to check me.  To all of our surprise, he announced that I was 4 cm dilated.  I guess the stitch did its job.

So, we picked up lunch and came home.  I have no idea if I am contracting or if I am dilating more.  For now, I am waiting for my  water to break.  Come and wait with me.  At the casino.  Today feels like my lucky day.

THIS ISN'T FOR US, IT IS FOR YOU.

I run my life by what I consider to be simple rules.  They are gut-based and typically work out for me and those (I care about) around me.  I want to share some scenarios with you so that you can make the right moves if confronted with similar situations. .

1.  I do not believe that blood = family.  This likely has most to do with the fact that I am adopted.  But, it goes further.  I believe that you choose your family.  Or, at least, you should.  To me, family is love.  If I don't care about you on that level, then you aren't family to me.  Your level of love is technically irrelevant, but I would hope reciprocated.

This all being stated, it is probably obvious to most that my Hub's family isn't necessarily a group of people that I automatically consider family.  Sad, but true.

2.  Children are a parent's way of disrupting an event and refocusing it on themselves.  I am a firm believer that children do not belong at wedding ceremonies.  Unconditionally, the parents will sit in close proximity to me and then neglect to get up and walk out when their child starts to fuss.  They don't want to miss anything, but are completely disregarding that I might want to actually understood what is happening at the altar.  On a smaller level, this also happens in restaurants and public places where a child can be openly disruptive.

Today, the Hub and I attended the wedding shower for one of his cousins.  I happen to like her very much and was happy to have been invited.  A relative showed with her child.  The focus at our table was completely NOT on the bride-to-be.  In my opinion, this is bullshit.  Leave your fucking kid at home.  Seriously.  This event isn't about you.

3.  Be aware.  There are situations in this world where you will not always understand the choices of other people.  To quote one of my favorite poems, "Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do and die"

If someone doesn't want to hold your baby, you should probably back off.  This is probably more true when you are trying to force someone who lost their child shortly after birth.  As my Hub's mother was insisting that my Hub hold his sister's infant, she kept repeating, "but you need practice. . . "  I wanted to calmly respond with "I think the practice we got from holding our first child for two hours while she died was enough to prepare us for our second child."  I'm also pretty sure she still wouldn't get it.  None of them will.  Ever.  (Right now, at midnight, I am considering writing her an email. . so that I don't rip her a new asshole when I can no longer hold all of this in.)

But, it's not just us.  The family continued to criticize another family member, who I happen to really like, for not wanting to hold the same child.  I wanted to blurt out, "why would she want to hold a kid that she doesn't give two shits about?"  Yeah.  That didn't get to happen either.

Instead, I took it out on the Hub as we drove away. . . especially loud, after this next thing happened. . .

4.  You do NOT get to choose to know when MY child is on his way into the world.  In fact, if you get a call at all, you should be grateful.  If I have to hear about your direction to call when labor begins every single fucking time I have to suffer your company, you won't get a fucking call at all.  Seriously.

This, of course, is also akin to. .

5.  If you have not been told about a baby registry, do not google it and then proceed to purchase items from it.  I won't go into more specifics, but I will say that I am so irate over this and other things above that I will be spending the holidays (ALL OF THEM) with MY family and I will be taking my child with me.  So far, the Hub is understanding and just biding time until WWIII begins.

Yeah.  This has been one ugly rant.  But, I think you should know these things. . so that you don't fuck up with someone like me.

CONTRACTIONS.

I know a guy.  He lives in Australia now, but he used to work at a bar with me.  He is originally from Wisconsin.  That's pronounced Wi-Scon-sin, for those of you who have never gone North.  I loved listening to him talk. . likely because I spent some time "up there."

One thing in particular that dazzled me was the way that he pronounced his contractions.
Should + Not = Shouldn't (pronounced: Shunt)
Would + Not = Wouldn't (pronounced:  Wunt)
. . . I asked him one day how he pronounced "couldn't" - this didn't end well.

But. . back to me.
My contractions are two to three minutes apart and straining on my cervix.
I have been monitoring them and they haven't increased in duration, frequency, or intensity.
My OB is aware.

I blame my return to work and the stress caused by trying to get my security clearance "turned back on."

I hope you are all having such a great day that you couldn't ask for better.  =)

LLAMA MAMA.

This post is TMI.

You should stop reading now.

To my memory, it has been since Thursday.  Since Thursday.  I haven't pooped a good poop since Thursday.

Instead, I have been pushing out a single lump of coal at every attempt and trying to feign satisfaction.

I have downed gallons of water and apple juice and handfuls of Colace.  Nothing.

I made an emergency trip to Five Guys Burgers and Fries.  Nothing.

I ate three pieces of Fried Chicken and some really greasy fried biscuits. . . .

And I was starting to consider getting "up in there" and manually assisting what shouldn't be this hard.

Then, I shit a llama.

And now, I'm much better.

I hope your Sunday is a beautiful one.

HAP-PEE, HAP-PEE, HAP-PEE!

Do you ever get the feeling that if you don't "go" right now, you will die?  How about racing to get to the bathroom only to find that you can't pee?  That has been my life.

This morning, for example, I woke up feeling the urge and I limped (Pubic Bone Problems) to the bathroom as quickly as I could.  I dropped trou and took a load off only to find that when I opened the flood gates, there was NO flood.  In fact, it felt like the baby was leaning so hard into my groin, that he was cutting off all exit routes.  Selfish baby!

So, I wiped (nothing), stood up, washed my hands and walked into the living room to complain to the Hub.  Then, I walked back into the bathroom to try again (because I'm five and trying desperately to deserve my big girl Undies) - and LO!  I peed.  Like a fucking geyser.  Sweet baby Moses!  Let my sins be washed clean by the Niagara!!

Rest assured that I will repeat the exact process every time and as often as necessary.

In other news, I had an OB appointment on Friday.  I do indeed have some severe pelvic pain.  That will go away after birth.  However, my cerclage is causing some problems.  The pinching / stabbing feeling?  Yeah.  My stitch is straining.  In fact, I am dilating and thinning.  If I have a repeat of last Monday, we will remove the cerclage early and get ready for the big show.  Otherwise, we will wait until the 28th as planned.

I'm not-so-secretly hoping for some labor to magically visit me before I return to work on Monday (for the first time in over 60 days.)  This timing would prevent me from returning to work until 2014 and have me enjoying my holidays with my newly expanded family.

We have 36 hours to get this show on the road. . . cross your fingers.  ;)

Oh!  I think it's time for the Pee Ritual. . . NOW, cross your fingers!

NO LIES.

I'm always honest with you guys.  But, I just wanted the post title to emphasize that point (and This one:)

I want this fucking cerclage unstitched.  I want it out of me.  I'm finished with being stitched together like some kind of vaginal wonder woman.

This struck me especially hard today.  I don't want to think about it every single second of every day and night.

Will it tear?  Will my delicate lady parts be irrevocably damaged?  If my baby wants to come now, isn't that alright?  I know it's early, but if my body really wants him to come. . . shouldn't he?

Instead, I bite my tongue (at least until my appointment on Friday) and make some Shells and Cheese for lunch.  Because, Shells and Cheese make everything better.

TICK, TICK, TICK. . . BOOM!

For a while now, you know that I have been plagued with crotchular pain.  But, let's take that a step further:

On occasion over the past couple weeks,  I have heard the light and high-pitched sound of bones clicking or popping.  During one particularly loud demonstrations, my "worst case scenario" brain did me a doozy - I diagnosed my child with one of those stone-bone diseases that makes bones brittle and easily broken.  And, I was certain that his bones were fracturing every time I adjusted my seating position.

Then, I stopped being crazy and figured out that the noise was coming from my crotch.  MY CROTCH was making a popping sound.

So, welcome to Pubic Symphysis issues.  I hope you are NOT one of the few % of pregnant women who have to suffer this.  As usual, I am *that* person who lowers your likelihood of having everything SHITTY.

You are welcome.

WELL, SHIT.

Walking isn't going as well anymore.  My once sturdy pelvis now feels reduced to a crumbling shadow of its former self.  It tortures me to get to the bathroom every two minutes.  Though, not enough to hold it.  So, there's that.

Yesterday, I noticed that every so often, I felt a stabbing or pinching coming from my cervix.  A little bit of palpating and I identified contractions as the primary source of discomfort in my cervix.

I called the OB line and was directed to go to the hospital to get checked out.  Instead of having five or six contractions an hour, I was having twenty or so.  So, that happened.

Another giant syringe of Terbutaline and I was crawling the walls in triage.  But, the contractions settled a bit. . . At least to normal (for me.)

In four hours, the Hub and I were on our merry way home to the dog, hot showers, and our bed.

A few things of note:

*  I am having regular contractions today with more stitch pinching.  If it gets worse in pain or bleeding, it is likely that I will go in for stitch removal early.

*  I kind of wish they would take the stitch out early so that I didn't worry about tearing.  If it weren't for the stitch, I would be worry free for the first time since my 22nd week of pregnancy last year.  Think on that for a moment.

*  I'm in full nesting mode but physically unable to do much of it.  This is where I tell you that m Hub is better than your partner.  He is doing everything to my specifications.  For me.  Right now, the kitchen is getting steamed and scrubbed.  Really.

We are 34 weeks and I am done being pregnant.  Look for updates.  I'm sure they will be coming.

SIGNS, SIGNS. . . EVERYWHERE ARE SIGNS.

I know that labor is coming.  The rub is:  I just don't know when.  Thus is the bane of every pregnant woman.

Today, I appeared to lose just a little bit more of my mucous plug - forcing me to ponder just how extensive this shit is.  Perhaps, like many women believe, the mucous plug is regenerating.  Or, this could just be the end of it.  It was snot green.  Again.

I haven't had the full extent of Lightning Crotch again - however, I do feel like the whole of my genitals (does anyone else read that as Gentiles?  No?  Anyone?  Bueller?) are bruised beyond belief.  Walking isn't pleasant, though it is still doable.  So, I suppose that is something to be happy about.

In other news, I have been cleaning.  The other day it was the overwhelming desire to clean out my kitchen pantry.  Seriously.  I have been hoarding.  9 bags of unopened chips and assorted pretzels?  Right.  Today, I sorted mail and cleaned my home office (soon to be home to our baby's room.)  I'm not sure where the energy comes from, but I'm thankful for it!

I know these are all signs of impending labor.  Every day I complete a physical assessment when I first open my eyes.  Is the baby awake and moving?  Am I laying in a wet spot?  Am I palpating contractions?

My worst fear is that I go into labor and again do NOT feel it . . . and my cervical stitch tears.  Stick with me, folks, I'm trying to remain aware.

IT'S A NEW SEN - SA - TION!

Now that my child has grown to toddler status in my womb, I am finding the need to pee is even more frequent than when we first started down this road.  Yes.  I pee several times in a 30 minute span.

So, I have been experimenting.  With my body.  For your sakes.

I have found that part of the issue, that is making me pee so often, if that when I "go" I can't completely empty my bladder due to the fact that I have a 42 pound child standing on his head - on the pillow that is my bladder.

To rectify this, I find that if I tense my now wonky abdominal muscles, the baby is lifted just slightly, allowing the pee to be free.  FREE THE PEE!!!!

Note:  This works nearly all of the time - except 2am.  I find that at 2am, I am unable to control any muscles and am resigned to peeing over and over again.

Ding!  You're welcome.

LIGHTNING STRIKING AGAIN . . . AND AGAIN . . . AND AGAIN!

Ladies, have you ever been kicked in the crotch?  Perhaps not IN the vagina, but maybe up front?  Fellas, you might think you own the angst that comes with crotch-kicking.. but, you are wrong.

Last night, I hopped out of the shower and started my routine. . wrapped in a large bath sheet (for those uncivilized folk, a bath sheet is a really ginormous towel).  I prepared my toothbrush and headed towards the living room to see just what the Hub was watching on TV.  I only made it half way there before I doubled over in pain and felt like I was going to die.

LIGHTNING STRIKES.

Sometimes, when the baby re-adjusts himself or stretches in the right way, extreme pressure is exerted upon the pelvic bone.  At this time, it feels like a bolt of lightning is striking and finding a lightning rod in the front of your junk.

Picture this:  Me, writhing and foaming from the mouth with toothpaste.  My Hub turning off everything in the living room - because, like parking, you have to turn down the sound - then racing to the kitchen to procure a large bowl and a bottle of water so that I could rinse my mouth out and not be in danger of inhaling toothpaste foam.  Yeah.  My house was a circus.

Two minutes later, it passed and I was able to breathe through my face again.  While the pain is gone, the memory of it is still sharp.  I think I have PTSD.  Seriously.  I can't even move fluidly because I'm afraid that I will do something to set it off again.  Horrible.

On this celebration of 33 weeks, please keep your pregnant friends in your thoughts when you see dark clouds coming!  =)

IMPORTANT DATES.

It is true.  I lost my mucous plug.  It worked its way into my tissue in pieces from Thursday morning to early Saturday.  Don't google it.  Trust me.

My Doc isn't concerned.  At this time, I'm not seeing any "bloody show" (trust me and do NOT google that either) so, my labor could be as far away as a few weeks.

My Doc IS concerned, however, that I am getting really big.  I grew another two centimeters.  So. . here are some dates to keep in mind as we traverse October. .

October 18.  My next OB appointment.  Nothing special will occur.  It is just a check-in.  The last of the "bi-weekly."

October 21.  My first day back at work.  It's going to be tough, but I think I'm going to really enjoy the over-stimulation I receive from more than one person at a time being physically in the same room as me.

October 28.  MY "DITCH THE STITCH" DAY.  On this day, I will have an ultrasound to confirm that the baby will fit through the conventional exit hatch.  Then, my OB will remove my cerclage stitch.  I cannot relay how excited I am about this.  I will definitely post about it because there could be complications - therefore, I will experience them.  =)

The average length of time between a cerclage removal and labor is 10 days.

Let me say this again:

The average length of time between a cerclage removal and labor is 10 days.

It is likely that I will have a baby in a month.

For now, I will leave you with this:  Crust Nipple Goo (better known as CNG) is often found when a mother is already producing a good amount of colostrum and / or milk.  I was in a baby store for an item that "I just had to have" and a mother was busy letting her infant cry and scream.  Imagine getting kicked in the chest from the inside.  That is what it feels like for your milk to "come in" or . . as the superhero inside me likes to say "activate!"  Every since then, I have been getting CNG and feeling particularly swollen in the chesticle region.  If I could get to that mother, I would do much to thank her.  Really.  Thanks.

AAH. . AAH. . CHOOOO!

On Tuesday, both the Hub and I got our Flu Shots.  As usual, my body felt like shit for two days and I am just now starting to get back to normal.  I used to think that a physical reaction to a dead viral vaccination was psychosomatic, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I didn't feel like I had been hit by the Flu Truck, but I definitely had some snot and some achy muscles.

Fast forward to this evening. . . when I used the toilet and when I wiped, it looked like I had blown clear green boogers all over the toilet paper.  Wrong end, people.

Being the inquisitive (read: complete paranoid) person that I am, I examined it and even smelled it.  Nothing seemed out of order.  Except for the snot that seemed to be coming from my VAGINA.

Fast forward a little bit more to where I finish reading a few hundred medical journal articles and every pregnant woman's account of losing her mucus plug. . . and I am pretty sure part of my mucus plug has been loosed.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my OB.  I have a feeling he will be unconcerned - as 32-33 week is a pretty normal time to start "shedding" the plug.  (Is this where "sloughing" would be appropriate?)

Just a stab in the dark here. . but I am going to guess that I go into labor in a few weeks.

More to come. . . post appointment.